So You Think You’re a Dad?

I meant to write this post a little closer to Father’s Day, but alas, time escapes, even in the summer.   My birthday is soon, and I’m thinking about what it means to have a Birth Day.   It’s that day when you pour out into this world, and the clock is set at zero, and anything is possible.   I have wondered a lot what Little Sister’s Birth Day was like (I do really think she has been born already).  Was there a whole family there waiting?  Were there tears of joy?  Did her father wrap her up in a blanket and coo over her beautiful face?  Of course this train of thought continues right up to the idea of parenting.

I grew up with a very caring mom.  Most of the time she really had to be both a mom and a dad, and while she did it with grace, I could always see how hard it was.   The reality is, there are all kinds of parents and all kinds of families, and as long as kids have beautiful people full of strength and love in their lives, they are blessed.  As I watch my husband with my children though, I am truly touched by what it means for him to be a dad. 

You Might Be a Dad If….

1.       You’ve been peed on while changing a diaper, and lived to tell the tale.

2.       You’ve had to walk away from a small child to hide the smile on your face because what that kid just did was BAD, but it was also just too funny to contain.

3.       You’ve realized how rewarding it is to teach your child about the little things you love.

4.       You’ve sung, (possibly terribly) approximately 500 billion bed time songs.

5.       Your heart aches when your child makes a terrible choice.

6.       You have slept in a recliner with a sick child on your chest.

7.       You’ve cleaned the “Puke Bucket” and you don’t live in a frat house.

8.       You’ve stayed up way too late waiting for a child to make it home, or debating how to help them navigate this crazy life.

9.       You’ve given in, too many times, to the phrase, “one more story, please.”

10.   You have listened to a zillion slow explanations that start with “this one time…” and spent endless hours answering a zillion questions that started with, “Hey dad…”

And the list goes on.  And on.  And on.  You know if you’ve done these things.  My hubby is an absolute Superman at this list!

But the older I’ve gotten, I’ve realized there is also another list.  There is the list of “Like-a-Dads,” that is often more elite, born out of extra effort and abundant love.  This list is quite a bit more ambiguous, but you definitely know if you have done these things.  For the people who make this list, I’m truly grateful. 

You Might Be Like-a-Dad If…

1.       You have listened, endlessly, to a child, or teenager, or young adult pour their heart out because you knew that they just needed someone to listen.

2.       You told a child, or teenager, or young adult, that they could then follow their hearts, and helped them make it there.

3.       You have put someone else’s needs above your own, often with risk, because you love and value them, not out of any obligation.

4.       You taught someone to fish, to enjoy great jokes, to camp, to write a resume, to apologize, to manage their anger or just how to be themselves.

5.       You go out of your way to make someone feel special, because in your mind, they just need to see all of the incredible that they already are. 

6.       You have shared your faith with someone and it changed their life.

To Dads and Like-A-Dads, you are AWESOME!  The world cannot live without you.  For every hair that turned grey or fell out because of the beautiful love you were giving a child, you are appreciated.  

One more...you might be a Dad if you mostly let the little boys in your life blow out your birthday candles, just because it's more fun that way!

I Wrecked the Boat

It all started so innocently.  My kindergartener, thrilled at the idea of seeing the world, announced in the car, “When I grow up, I’m gonna have a boat and a camper so I can travel all over the world.”  In a six year old mind, it really is that simple.  You need something to drive on land and something to sail over water, and then you are all set to travel the Earth. 

 I could have given a standard “mmm, hmm” answer to this announcement, and it would have been better than what really happened.  After all, you and I both know that there’s no chance this kid is going to buy the aforementioned vehicles and set off into the sunset.  But no, I couldn’t leave it there.  I had to start in with the questions. 

“Well, buddy, how are you going to get your camper to the next continent if you travel there by boat?”

He had solutions.

“I guess I’m going to need to get a helicopter too, so it can deliver my camper.”

Ahhh.  Excellent problem solving.  But….

“Buddy, who is going to fly that helicopter while you sail your boat?”

Silence.

“Um, I guess I’ll hire a pilot.”

I see.

“Buddy, where will you get the money to hire a pilot?”

“Uh.  I’ll talk my brother into becoming a pilot and he’ll work for me for free.”

Truly a great plan.  [For future reference, this was where I went one step too far.]

“Who is going to pay for your brother to take flight lessons to become a pilot to fly a helicopter for you?”

 “Well, I guess, I was thinking you could.” 

By this time, this poor six year old had gone from happily day-dreaming of a beautiful carefree adventure to a slow and sad realization that maybe there were too many things to work out for this to be a reality.  This was not a proud moment for me.  I do like to get my kids to think through things.  I love to hear the way they solve problems.  I love to hear the way they dream things can be, and then try to direct them toward those things.  But that is not what happened here. 

I hijacked his beautiful adventure and infused it with my doubt, my roadblocks, and my insecurities.  The truth is that he probably could figure out how to get a camper and a boat and travel the world.  Would he need a few other things?  Sure.  Would he figure that out by himself by the time he got old enough to really consider any of this a possibility?  Yes.   

There is a difference between building into your kids by helping them see the bigger picture, and building self-doubt into your kids by never letting them be the “expert.”  If they have a dream, or a subject they are passionate about, let them “teach” you.

When in doubt, stop before you squash. 

Stop talking, stop asking, stop insisting you are right before you squash all of their enthusiasm, their confidence, or their ability to think for themselves.  Back to our travelling the world example, is it really as simple as a camper and a boat?  Sure it is.  Until you have to eat, which really is a self-limiting problem.  Let it be that simple, and be there for when it’s not.